“We’re Family” - fighting toxic workplace language & Culture
“I feel really stuck and confused by my place of work. There’s this internal culture of describing the workplace ‘like family’, however I think that this is having a toxic effect on how I feel about work, what’s expected of me and who I can trust. I’m unhappy but everyone seems to be happy, despite nobody seeming to have any boundaries between work and personal life. I can’t tell whether I’m the problem or it’s the culture!“
Above was an inquiry from someone who reached out to me about a toxic workplace culture, including gaslighting and general lack of safety. Below was my Response…
I think you raise a very important debate around something that is rather common is hospitality. When you exist in a culture for many hours of your life (apparently one-third of our lives is spent at work, although I think this statistic is way higher in hospitality!) work can become one’s micro universe and it can be difficult to decipher what is a healthy or toxic reality.
I can see totally see, how in general, relationships at work can mirror a ‘family’ dynamic, coupled with the fact that the term ‘family’ does not have a singular meaning as it can mean something different to different people. But there are two sides to the coin. Relationships with colleagues can offer support, growth, connection, emotional support, and above all, it’s crucial to form good connections with our colleagues.
Some employers and employees may feel that creating a ‘family’ culture creates a positive, motivating and morale-boosting culture; where colleagues see themselves and each other as mothers, fathers, brothers or sisters or something alike. This kind of bonding leads to employees emotionally attaching themselves to the business, ethos and vision. This can sound very inviting and be beneficial to some as this kind of environment can offer belonging, purpose and acceptance.
The Downside…
The downside to this is that it can cause complications further down the line. One example being that boundaries can become easily blurred, complicated and employers can come to be unhealthily dependant on employees, or vice or versa.
Quite often the culture can feel more like a dysfunctional family rather than one that is in harmony. Employers or employees can feel conflicted, resentful, guilty or confused by the messages within the business, especially when actions taken within the business don’t coincide with the family dynamic that are upheld in principle.
Having a degree of separation between work and personal life is a very subjective and this debate is not static. With time and experience this view can change for many people. There isn’t anything wrong with you, I would say that this is more about whether this current environment suits you as an individual and your professional path.
Here are some things to consider:
What boundaries are crucial to you and your day-to-day wellbeing? Are these being currently met?
Are there any boundaries that you could personally put in place to give you a better experience at work?
Is there anything that you could communicate with your employers/ managers/ colleagues that help improve your experience or boundaries at work?
Is this ‘stuck’ feeling that you’re experiencing purely down to the dynamic at work or is there something else bubbling up for you that is heightening your sense of unhappiness?
There shouldn’t be any shame or guilt in wanting specific boundaries between our personal life and work. The reality is that ‘family’ culture does exist, and it suits some people, but it doesn’t suit all. Not everyone has the desire to create and maintain such a strong attachment or devotion to their place of work or colleagues and that’s totally understandable and okay.